All At Once

Here we are in the third week of school... 5th grade! I know I say it all the time but it really is hard to believe how fast the time flies and how all of a sudden here we are.


The first two weeks were great, or so I thought. Apparently Zach has been suppressing some anxiety that all came pouring out this week. Monday morning he just couldn't make himself walk out the door. I had no idea he was having such a hard time. Every day he's been telling me that he's had a good day. And, the problem is not school, but that same old fear of separation that's been bothering him since the incident with his dad 14 months ago. He just can't seem to conquer it. He knows that the fear is irrational, but that doesn't stop making it very real to him. He's tried using the techniques he learned in counseling, but they're not working for him. So Monday, I gave in and let him stay home. I know now that this probably wasn't the best idea. But when my son who never cries and hates to show emotion is bawling and begging me not to make him go because he's terrified something is going to happen and he'll never see me again ... something inside me just said give it time. So, I told him he had one day. I reminded him about what all he would be missing and he had to spend the day reading, and spelling, and solving math equations. And, by the end of the day he said he wished he had gone to school because now, he's going to have make up work.


So, Tuesday morning arrives and I thought we were prepared but .... the same thing happened. This time I took him to school and walked him in but still, he couldn't go. Tears streaming. Thankfully the school counselor was able to talk him through it and even gave him a counting technique to help take his mind off the fear. When I picked him up, he said he felt much better, that the counting technique was working great for him, and he even apologized for being a "baby". :( I assured him he was not a baby, but very brave for facing his fears and that it is okay to have big emotions and how proud I am of him for learning how to deal with those emotions.


Morning three ... and same thing. This time I gave him a pep talk, reassured him that he is safe and nothing bad is going to happen, then told him I would be dropping him off, not walking him up. I think if he's forced to go he may not feel the need to hold on. I keep praying this was the right decision, because letting my son out of the car with big red eyes while holding back tears, and then driving away was probably one of the toughest things I've ever had to do. But it's done and I am praying he has a good day. And there are people at the school who are keeping and eye on him. As much as I wand to cradle him, I know that is enabling his fear to win, and I want him to fight. I've been informed that he randomly cries throughout the day. Not a big showy cry, because that's not how he does things. Just a stray tear every now and then. And this has nothing to do with school, he likes the teachers and kids, and he has told me about several classes and lessons that he has enjoyed. These are tears of fear that he's not going to see his mom again. And it breaks my heart.


So, what do I do. The only thing I can do, trust in my savior. This has always been difficult for me, but I think I'm at the point where I've realized there's nothing more I can do. I've always been able to manage things. But when things become unmanageable all you can do is pray and trust.


Zach's fear, I can't manage. So I equip him with tools, and teach him to pray and trust. And I pray, and trust.


Income, I can't manage. Every time I save money for dental expenses that I so desperately need taken care of ... another more urgent need pops up. Like ... we had to move. And then Zach's dad goes officially off the deep end and I lose child support and insurance for Zach. Then, I find out I'm in need of new tires because mine apparently won't last another month. But it doesn't stop there, days later we're in a car accident where we are hit from behind while stopped at a red light. Stressful, but didn't seem to be that big of a deal, until I realized I've got a pinched nerve because the skin on my left leg feels like it's on fire all the time. I've decide to do some stretches to alleviate that on my own ... which I hope works because it turns out the other driver's insurance lapsed and they're not paying for anything. And now, that I've been running fever for several days, I've scheduled an appointment with my doctor with no real plan of how I'm going to pay for it, just figuring it out as I go along because this, I can't manage. I could probably manage one urgent need at a time. But  loss of support, tires, teeth, back, illness, and a child with anxiety ridden fears in need of therapy all at once and ... I am officially overwhelmed.


So, I pray and trust and take it one day at a time. And remind myself as I remind Zach that worry is not a useful tool. But prayer is.

Weekend Wrap-up

What a productive weekend! I've been a little overwhelmed this week due to the fact that Zach has been in football camp all week. It's not a day camp, it's from 6-8 pm, and most of the parents stay so, of course I did that too. My work schedule has been off the charts busy this entire year, so I'm not used to being finished by 6pm, which made the week seem even more rushed.


This weekend I had a huge amount on my list to accomplish, and managed to get it all done!


Football practice was from 9-12 Saturday morning. From there a trip to Sprouts for groceries and vitamins. Then to the dreaded Wal-Mart for soap and paper goods, etc. Came home, mowed, fertilized, and watered the lawn ... and taught Z how to mow the lawn! :)


Cleaned out the garage, moving storage items to the back shed. There still is an extensive amount of work to be done in the garage, unpacking boxes and posting items for sale on craigslist ... but that can wait until next weekend.


Sunday morning we went to church and I sat next to my niece, Grace. I don't know how or when it happened, but she has developed into such a beautiful young lady whom I admire so much. I've always adored her, since the day she was born she has always been very precious to me. And now, all of a sudden I see this young woman standing next to me worshiping Jesus with all her heart and it made me weep. Then she joined Zach and I for lunch and we listened as she told me all about the mission trip she just returned from. About the people she served and grew to care for, and I saw such a beautiful heart. Then she asked about Zach about football and encouraged him. This little girl who I thought I couldn't possibly love any more than I already did made my heart swell. I didn't want to drop her off, but knew she needed to get home.


After lunch, Zach and I worked on emptying the last boxes from our move and cleaned the house. We are all ready, set, go for a busy, busy week ahead. Zach will continue to have practice three weeknights and Saturday mornings. He is enjoying football so much and has surprised me with his athletic ability. His strong area is running, he's incredibly fast. This week they will be working on finding out what position the boys will play. I'm going to have to have to study up on football, I found out today at lunch that Grace knows more about football than I ever cared to.


I am loving our new church! The message this morning is exactly what I needed, in fact this entire sermon series has been life changing. Between that and watching "The Bible" series with Zach I'm feeling content and fulfilled in a way that only comes from Jesus.

New Chapter

We recently moved, two weekends ago in fact, and are just getting settled into a new chapter of life, so I've decided now would be a good time to pick back up the blogging stick.




Zach completed his fourth grade year last month and has been doing great. He is on the Feingold diet, with occasional veering from the plan. He has become very good about making those decisions himself. He knows what makes him sick and usually  makes good choices. His school work has improved, and last year was his first and only successful year off a behavior plan. The key is to get a tolerant and understanding teacher who preferably is educated in the field of special needs. He's been blessed to have two such teachers. Communication is key and fortunately Zach communicates with me. He is not always forthcoming, and occasional I may have to coax a little, but it eventually comes out. The most important things I work on are building a trust and open communication bond, and spending quality time with him. Those seem to be the two key practices I can do to keep him on track. Even with all the struggles with his dad, and they have been vast, he has maintained a secure sense of self, awareness, and happiness.


I have managed to balance career and motherhood and feel pretty good about where we are. Time is flying by and I keep reminding myself to stop and enjoy certain moments because years pass by in the blink of an eye and all too soon I know this phase of life will be gone.

Indiscretions and Exercise

This weekend has had its fair share of dietary indiscretions. For starters, Saturday mornings seem incomplete without syrup and something cakey. So, I made whole wheat waffles and we ate them with Agave Nectar, which is very much like maple syrup, but less watery.

That wasn’t too bad.

Saturday night, however, was Scout night with the Dallas Stars and Z and his dad went to the hockey game where they indulged on pulled pork nachos and… da da da daaaaa cotton candy!

Sunday morning we started our day with the appropriate protein and caffeine, and in addition began the Attend supplement. Z sat relatively well through the church service, and I actually received four comments from friends sitting behind us who said they were impressed with how well he did. Feeling super proud of the little guy, I went to pick him up after Sunday School only to find that he had not been so well behaved there. He had placed his name tag on his bottom and refused to move it, had made inappropriate noises during the lesson, and wrote his name in crayon on the table top, five times! His teachers were very encouraging, but I was very embarrassed.

With a brain consumed by the morning events, my car somehow drove itself to my favorite Italian restaurant where I post haste ordered a feast of grilled chicken, prosciutto, mushrooms, pasta, lemon, butter, olive oil, bread, mozzarella, feta, and parmesan…. followed by tiramisu. To my credit, this was the first time in 34 years that I left half a tiramisu on the plate. I simply could not finish it. I came home, plugged in Star Wars and fell into a deep slumbery Sunday afternoon nap.


When I woke I laid in bed for a while and meditated on the days events, our dietary journey, and my failures and successes moving us through it. I realized the peace and sense of ability that has steadily increased in me over the past few weeks. I've gone from utterly overwhelmed and needing to get us to a state of "fixed" ... to a willingness and openness to take each day as it comes and deal with it the way God has empowered me to do so. I recognized that I’ve been supremely stressed out and filled with worry about what decision to with Z, and once that decisions made, even more worrisome that it was not the right one. Our sermon this morning was on nothing other than worry and how we allow Satan to be victor with it consumes our lives.

The words that kept entering my mind were, one day at a time, do the best you can, and let God handle the rest. The movie now over, I could hear Z had gone on to his bedroom to reenact the scenes with his action figures. In my best effort to put on my big girl britches and be carefree, I told Z to get his tennis shoes on and we set out for an early evening bike ride.

This being our second attempt to ride together, I knew to expect the first quarter mile to be up hill. Then, we would reach the mostly level trail. I pushed, and pushed, and pushed ... all the way up to the top. Well, almost to the top. When I had the trail entrance in site I heard Z yell out from behind me… “mommy slow down.” I knew if I slowed down I would never make it, and I was right. I stopped and waited for him to reach me and that is were we stayed for the next three to four minutes while I endeavored to catch my runaway breath. Unsuccessful, I walked my bike to the trail entrance. We rode for a good little bit, but did not make it to the end of the trail. My body failed me and I turned us around, with tomorrows goal being to actually reach the end. Home is downhill, no pedaling involved so we were back to our house lickedy split.

My heart still pounding and my throat sore from sucking in deep breaths of cool night air, I sent Z to the bathtub and fell backward onto the sofa to recover. Once the shock wore of, I was nauseated. So I ate a banana and fixed Z a light dinner. I threw away the leftover container from our Italian feast and vowed to never again mix indiscretions with exercise.

Even as miserable as it was, I will conquer riding a bike. It will one day be as fun as it used to be. So far this journey to health has been very different than I expected. It’s been easier in many ways and tougher in some. The best thing is that it’s teaching me to slow down and to realize and enjoy the goodness God has provided through nature. I'm also learning to enjoy the provisions of grace, forgiveness, and the peace that comes by relinquishing control and trusting God.

A little bit of India and some of Italy...

My childhood best friend and her family have moved to the very city we call home! Her husband is a minister and for a few years now they have been patiently waiting for God’s direction. They have recently received a much awaited answer to prayer, and with it so have I. I love where we live, as well as the people here who have blessed our lives. But I still long for the friendships I once knew. She and I haven’t lived near each other in almost twenty years… and twenty years ago we were inseparable. So needless to say, their relocation has me very excited.

To welcome them, Tuesday I prepared a grilled hamburger dinner with steamed veggies and an assortment of fruit. We dined, visited, and the kids played... it was a great evening. Unfortunately, Z woke about 1 am Wednesday morning with severe vomiting that lasted almost six hours. I nursed him back with oatmeal and rice, and by dinner he was ready for a peanut butter sandwich.

I am still in search of something other than peanut butter that I can offer on a sandwich.

Today he’s feeling much better and was happily ready to go back to school. This morning's protein shake was altered a little by lessening the amount of protein to two tablespoons, and using ½ tea and ½ organic pressed apple juice – not from concentrate. He really liked this one. I added the protein at the end and stirred it in to keep the consistency of a smoothie so it would be less like drinking air.

Lunch for Z was another peanut butter sandwich on ezekiel bread, with a couple clementine’s and iced tea. I had a mid-morning meeting so by the time lunch rolled around for me I was starving! Not sure what to eat, I perused the pantry and refrigerator a couple times before deciding to try the Holy Land hummus with roasted red pepper. I was pleasantly surprised with the explosion of flavor and the wheels in my brain started churning. I decided it would be really good mixed with rice and tomato. I started the rice and diced up a roma tomato and waited. And waited. And waited… brown rice takes 45 min to cook so it’s usually better to plan ahead when using it. While waiting I sliced up a few strawberries and ate them outside. I came back in and still had a lot of time left, so I snapped off a broccoli floret and dipped it into the hummus. It was so good, that chopped up the remaining head of broccoli and tossed that into my bowl of patiently waiting diced tomato. Finally, when the rice was ready, I drained it, dumped it into the bowl, then added two heaping tablespoons of hummus. Quickly I stirred that up and dove in. This dish now tops the list of my all-time favorite meals. Very savory and flavorful, and took me through the remainder of my day feeling great.

my favorite meal of rice, hummus, tomato and broccoli

The 4pm phone call from Z’s teacher diminished that great feeling. I was glad she called, but each of our conversations leave me with an overwhelming feeling of her incompetence. I know, that’s harsh. As I’ve mentioned before, we have been blessed with amazing teachers up to this point… but this year has been rough in so many ways. On several occasions Ms. X, as I’ll call her, has expressed her exasperation with Z and has no problem admitting that she has no idea what to do with him or how to handle his behaviors. This is her 18th year to teach, and I honestly do not know how she has made it this far. I only hope that our future teachers will have a better handle on how to direct a difficult child. Today, she relayed to me a conversation that she and Z were having which started with her questioning Z about his work, and ended with him saying to her “I’m not going to argue with you about this anymore.” She expressed to me her concern that he took over the authority in that situation. When I asked her how she handled it, she said she was really just confused by it and didn’t know what to say, so therefore just walked away. Hmmm. Well, that explains a lot. As nicely as I could, I explained to her that she should have immediately corrected him and let him know who’s in charge. She agreed, as she always does, but I don’t see that happening. Every suggestion I make, she is responsive to, but when it comes down to it and she is in a situation with Z that requires immediate response, she flounders and eventually becomes overwhelmed. She’s exasperated, confused, and in my opinion inadequately equipped to handle a challenging child. Z has also reported to me on many occasions inappropriate things she has said to him, that I’ve had to address with the administration. She becomes overwhelmed and because she cannot handle the situation appropriately, she resorts to demeaning and hurtful remarks. It’s just been a bad year.

I’ve been pretty open with Z and we discuss things in an almost adult-like manner. I do my best to support Ms. X, especially when speaking to Z, and he knows my expectation is for him to respect and obey all his teachers. For the most part, each of them are able to get him back on track. That’s not to say anyone has had it easy with him, but it all boils down to who is in control… and Ms. X is letting Z win. Our conversation ended with her agreeing that she needed to be more in control. She was heading off to her class, she's getting her Masters degree in education... but later this evening she would review a cd she has on how to handle a defiant child.
I'm just at a loss.

When it was time for dinner, I was feeling pretty discouraged and decided to sit on the patio for a bit and take in the beautiful Central Texas evening. Seeing all that fresh basil I have growing in my herb garden made me decide to somehow incorporate basil into dinner. All this from scratch cooking requires either lots of planning or complete spontaneity. Because I’ve been too busy to plan, spontaneity has been my guide. The only dish I could think of with basil was insalata caprese, so I just went with it. We can't have cheese, so I decided to incorporate the flavors into our standard chicken and rice staples. First I put on the rice… for obvious reasons. Then, in the wok (which has become my favorite pan) I heated a little evoo. Before adding the tomato and basil, I tossed in a small sliced onion just because caramelized onion makes any dish better. To the onion, tomato, and basil mixture, I added thinly sliced chicken breast. I’ve found that slicing chicken very thin and cooking it quickly makes for the tastiest morsels. Although it did not have the taste of caprese, it was very good. Z’s favorite dish so far, he even had seconds.

chicken caprese, a la carrie

We see the Neurologist tomorrow. I have no idea how he’s going to take our new plan. We shall see.

Ciao. Namaste.

Carrie

Wok 'n' Whole Wheat Woll

Last week Z had three and a half great days at school. One was rough, and one would have been great, had it not ended with four six year olds in a wrestling match during recess, one of them being my z-man. All in all though, I’d say it’s going well.

This weekend was Z’s birthday party, so needless to say we had our fill of sweets and treats and all kinds of unhealty additives. But with that behind us, we both embarked on our journey to whole food health with optimism.

It took me most of my evenings last week and a good part of the weekend to plan, and gather, and plan, and learn, and plan, and learn some more about what we would need to embark on our new eating style. I began introducing things here and there last week, but today has been our first full day on the plan.

The day began with eggs and a caffeinated protein smoothie. Protein for alertness and caffeine is the stimulant replacement. The plan says to use coffee, but after much trial and error I’ve altered ours to the following recipe.

CAFFEINATED PROTEIN SMOOTHIE
serves 2

1.5 c brewed black tea – chilled
½ banana - frozen
½ c strawberries – frozen
½ c blueberries – frozen
¼ c egg white protein powder
Blend, and serve

mmm, mmm, good. It actually is the best protein smoothie I’ve made so far. I'm using frozen fruit and not adding any ice. The best way to freeze bananas is to peel and put them in a ziploc bag prior to going into the freezer... peeling frozen bananas is hand torture! The egg white powder creates a light and airy consistency and has no flavor, which is good. This smoothie is sweet, but not too sweet, smooth, and easy to swallow. Z's still not all that crazy about it, but he did agree that it is the best one so far.

For lunch we had grilled chicken salad, with field greens, spinach and cucumbers with vinaigrette dressing. I'm lucky that Z has always enjoyed a good salad. The chicken was prepared last night on the george foreman and set in the fridge. I sent along an afternoon snack of sliced granny smith apples, peanut butter, and a handful of grapes.

When I picked him up at 3:00, the little z-man was STARVING! So I offered edamame, broccoli, and hummus which wasn’t enough to abate the hunger monster. So a quick trip to Sprouts was in order. Luckily, the small whole foods market is just down the street on the corner. I was happy to find organic whole wheat bread, with no preservatives or any of that other stuff we can't have. Since whole grains, including whole wheat, are acceptable on the meal plan, I was pleased to be able to offer a peanut butter and banana sandwich… which Z was most pleased to accept. After scarfing it down he asked for another, but once sandwich number one had sufficient time to settle, he was satisfied. I didn’t have the same hunger, but found myself in need of an extra large cup of joe.

From now on, we will be doing a little more rice and bread during school… salad and fruit isn’t enough for a hungry mini-man. Therefore, I'm adding bread baking to the list of things I need to learn how to do.

By dinnertime, I was hungry. The most challenging part about this endeavor for me, has been figuring out what to cook and how. I love to bake, and I can follow a recipe pretty well, but spontaneity in the kitchen has never been my forte. Unfortunately, I haven’t had much success in finding recipes for entire meals free of all dairy, sugar, starch, and/or something from a can or box. So, I’ve had to create a few recipes by changing up a little bit of what’s already out there.

Tonight was stir fry. I set two frozen chicken breast out to thaw in the refrigerator this morning, so they were ready to wash and go. I sliced them thin and tossed them in the wok with a smidge of evoo. When the chicken was cooked I moved it to a paper plate, and added half a sliced onion and julienned carrots to the wok with a little more olive oil. Once the onions started to carmelize I added some sea salt and pepper, and it was looking so good that I chopped up some broccoli threw that in as well. I decided to try a sprinkling of coriander and ginger because they sound oriental. By the way, Target has small bottles of organic spices for around a dollar each! I bought a few over the weekend and plan to give them a whirl.

When the veggies were all steamed and tender, I returned the chicken, and at the last minute chopped up some parsley and tossed it into the mix. We ate it over brown rice, and it was really, really good. It lacked nothing. The carrots and onion were my favorite part, but everything was fresh and delicious. The best part was, I didn’t have that parched and tired feeling you get after eating traditional stir fry. I felt great, energized, and ready for our outing to the park. In fact I still feel great! Z enjoyed it as well, but with his hunger at ease from the afternon snack, there was plenty left over for my lunch tomorrow. Z, however, will be getting a peanut butter sandwich.

Day one was good, and to my relief not difficult!

Wok on.
Carrie

and so... a new journey begins

it's been quite some time since my last posting, so i feel an update is required. for those of you who may not know, spiderman, also known as z and whom this blog is about, has been diagnosed with ADHD.

per our neurologist there can be mild, moderate, and severe cases of ADHD. z is said to be on the "severe end of severe."

prior to this journey, i was an ADD/ADHD skeptic. believing it to be over diagnosed, (still do) and easily used as a label for any behavioral issue.

z has always been active, some would have considered him to be an over-active toddler and child. even from a very young age, prior to his first birthday, we never failed to attract attention anywhere and everywhere we went. comments and staring just became part of normal life. "boy, you sure have your hands full with him!" was a phrase i heard almost daily from doctors, nurses, family and friends, as well as from strangers and passersby.

z attended a private pre-school and his teacher was an absolute blessing. there were only 9 children in the class so she was able to spend a lot of one-on-one time with him, and she did. she also agreed to tutor him during the summer before he entered kindergarten. she came twice a week for two months and reported that she was amazed at how intelligent z was, because she could not get that kind of performance from him in the classroom.

his main problems have always been listening to and/or understanding direction, completing tasks, and staying still.

though i was potentially aware of the disorder in pre-k, i decided to wait and see how things worked out in kindergarten.

z's first week of kinder, his teacher called me to discuss her "serious" concerns. he was unable to sit during circle time or maintain focus on any given task throughout the day. they move from task to task every 20 - 30 minutes as it is, and he couldn't maintain self control for even 5. he would roll on the floor, sit underneath the tables, blurt out random off-topic thoughts, become easily frustrated, wonder off, and as his teacher described it just "wasn't present".

after a series of school administered tests and multiple visits with teachers and administrators, the results were taken to z's doctor, who then referred us to a psychologist.

the psychologist worked with z for one hour and informed me that she had no doubt that he had ADHD, and saw immediate and immense manifestations.

i was completely turned off by this refused to believe that even a PHD who specialized in the disorder could possibly know so quickly. i did, however, allow her to work with him for the following three months. gradually her reports began to make more sense to me, and i could tell she really understood my child and the disorder. i agreed to allow z to be put on ritalin.

the effect was immediate and amazing. z was given 5mg of ritalin each day. prior to taking the drug, he could not sit still and focus long enough to write his name. on his first ritalin day, he wrote his name with amazing skill and completed all his assigned tasks.

at five years old, he began to ask me if he could take his pill even on weekends, because he could feel the positive effect it had on him. he was able to clean his room, and think the way he wanted.

eventually the dose needed to be increased, as the effectiveness decreased. and of course, we put in to place many behavioral modification techniques as he began treatment with a neurologist.

as kindergarten continued, it didn't take me long to realize we were again blessed with a wonderful teacher. though now in public school, with a classroom of 23 children, she was still able to spend much needed one-on-one time with z. she put in to place many behavioral support materials, and communicated daily with me. z did show vast improvement,compared to his non-medicated self, however the symptoms were still there and sill considered enough to interfere with his social and educational needs.

when first grade began, he was placed on focalin, a slow-release form of ritalin. he has had continued behavioral issues all year mostly manifested from impulse control. however, the drug did seem to assist with his ability to focus and complete tasks. though the effectiveness was random as he would do very well for periods of time, and then have days of complete disorder.

then, over the christmas break, the side effects began. severe headaches were the starting point. after er visits, phone calls to on-call physicians, and many sleepless nights the decision to take z off focalin was made.

the result was a week of absolute chaos. every day he was being sent to the principals office where he spent more time than in the classroom that week. heartache best describes that week.

so, we began concerta. another form of extended release ritalin.

as there are not that many options when it comes to ADHD medication, and he showed such vast improvement when first put on ritalin, it seemed the optimal choice.

after about 20 days on concerta, with symptoms ranging from chest pains, rapid heartbeat, blurred vision, seeing spots, nausea and of course another er visit... concerta was discontinued.

and that is where we are today.

z's neurologist has taken him off medications for another week and plans to begin adderall.

after prayerful consideration, meditation, and more sleepless nights, i have decided otherwise.

based on the fact that he is still manifesting major disorder symptoms, even on the drugs; and the drugs are posing a health risk... it's just not adding up for me.

i've been on both sides of the argument. withholding a medication that he seems to need couldn't possibly be the answer, right? but giving him a medication that is causing severe health problems couldn't be the right thing to do either, could it?

no one with authority on the subject wants to weigh in. all three of his doctors say, it's parents choice.

well, with that being the case. i've chosen. and we're going holistic.

i never really imagined myself saying that, but i'm finding myself open to all possibilities. and the fact remains that even on the drugs, z has been having regular behavioral and learning manifestations of the disorder. the administrators and teachers at his school have my cell on speed dial and call multiple times each week, sometimes multiple times in a day. we've had meetings upon meetings to address nothing other than z's disorder and behaviors. so i have to look at the question: are the potential health risks worth the effectiveness of the drug? my answer is easily no. even if the drugs were working wonderfully i could not continue, given his side effects.

so what does holistic mean exactly? well, for starters, a change in diet that includes no dairy, no breads, no food colorings, obviously no junk foods and sugar, no processed foods, nothing in a can, a box, or pre-packaged, unless that package says ingredients: chicken.

so, how does this vary from what we already do? cutting out the sugar and junk, even the bread is not that big of a deal around here. but my sin is processed foods. just about every recipe i cook includes opening a can, or sprinkling on a chemical filled seasoning. i'm not sure how to make chicken and rice without a can of cream of chicken soup... so some food preparation research will be required.


so, for now, our endeavor is to eat only what God made in its absolute most natural state.

goodbye packaged food

i'm looking forward to this and i pray, i sincerely pray that this will help.

i know it won't be the complete solution. we will of course continue our behavioral therapies, seeing our physicians and therapist, and there are supplements and therapeutic instruments that will be added throughout this process. but, this is where the journey begins.

your prayers for my sanity, and my sons health and well being are deeply desired.

and away we go.

carrie

young love and fake doggie doo doo

"mommy, i want a roller coaster for christmas, okay?"

"well, you can't have a roller coaster for christmas zach, because where would we put it? but maybe we can go somewhere that you can ride a roller coaster. how about we have your birthday party at a place like that?"

"no, we have to have my birthday party at austin park and pizza, because that is where i told sammy it's going to be and i love sammy, she has to be there."

"sammy? who is sammy?"

"she is the most beautiful girl i know. she is prettier than beautiful. i love her so much it makes my stomach hurt."

"um, wow. who's class is she in?"

"she's in my class. i like to sit next to her because i love her, and she is nice and pretty. she is my kiss heart girl. i squeeze love'n to her. i just love my sweetie love heart girl!"

"okay. i don't know who that is, what color is her hair?"

"it's yellow, and her eyes are blue. she is the prettiest girl in the class. she's prettier than beautiful."

"yes, i know. okay."

long silence

"okay then mom, i want fake doggie doo doo for christmas."

captain underpants!

the book fair has been at z's school this week. first the kids preview the books and come home with a list of titles they are interested in. then, parents are invited to shop. i was more excited about the shopping experience than zach. i have a real weakness for books. some of zach and my most enjoyable and memorable moments are when we snuggle up to read a stack of books. there are so many amazing, sweet, funny, silly, gross, educational, heart warming and thoroughly entertaining children's books. i was like a kid in a candy store... seduced by colors, pictures, rhyming words and the smell of fresh cut paper. instead of z asking me for books, i was talking him into them.

"what about this one..."

"mom, we have three books already."

"i know, but look at this one."

unexpectedly he was drawn to chapter books. i wasn't prepared for this. chapter books, at his age? there are no pictures! surely he couldn't be interested in reading a chapter book.

but he was persistent. he wavered over a few different series... but settled on captain underpants. i believe it helped that the cover is of a boy in only underwear and a cape.

could i do this? chapter books... already? i gave in and we began reading the series instead of our usual stack of colorful and clever stories.

if you don't know about the books, they star two mischievous young boys who, among other things, write comic books. their most popular books are of the superhero, captain underpants. to my surprise, zach has been enthralled, anxious to go to bed at night and hear the next installment of captain underpants. i have really enjoyed them as well, and have been reminded that you don't need pictures to have a colorful story.

today, as i was working, z kept coming up to me with atypical questions...

"mom, how do you spell hit?"

"mom, what letter makes the uh sound?"

"mom, can you please write this word for me?"

i wasn't sure what he was doing, but it seemed educational.

tonight, as we snuggled down to read, he presented me with his very own comic book. written and illustrated by zachary.

amazing. simply amazing!

the incredible shrinking woman

do you remember that movie... i barely do.

so maybe i'm not incredible... but i AM shrinking. yep. all my life i've been 5'8"... every time i had to go to the nurses office for one of those school weigh in's i was 5'8". all throughout my pregnancy i was 5"8".

at my six month well check after z was born i measured 5'7". we measured twice just to be sure i'd actually lost an inch. weird, but no biggie compared to all the other stuff your body goes through during pregnancy. i figured i'd streach back out eventually.

today at my well check, i measured in at 5'6".

"66" the nurse said

"that's 5'6", right?"

"that's right"

"but i'm 5'8""

"no, you're 5'6""

"measure again"

"okay...yep, 66"

"humpf"

so i asked my doctor what that's all about... and he said we shrink as we get OLDER.

as if that wasn't bad enough he put me on a diet and made me agree to exercise three times a week. poo on him.

so, on a completely different note... i signed up for PTA tonight at z's parents night. i'm pretty sure i don't have to do anything though. not sure i'll have time with all this exercising i'm gonna be doing.

i don't know how some moms (like my sisters) do all this stuff and keep it together. i had to make a sign and hang it by the front door so i would remember to pack z's two healthy snacks each day. i'm so on information overload.

33

33 feels like 32. today was a good day... and served as a reminder of how blessed i am to have so many wonderful people in my life.

z did quite well this morning. we walked to his class, and i stopped to visit with his teacher about hot lunches. he put his folder away and sat down next to the wall with all the other kids. i walked back down the hall and said, "bye zach." he ignored me.

whatever to him.

thanks mom, dad, steph, brad, and grace for such a wonderful birthday dinner. love you all.

day two of the kinder journey

this morning we were up and ready and to school precisely on time. everything went smoothly, we walked to z's class and waited in the hallway as the kids filed into the classroom.

zach was feeling a little clingy this morning, and wanted to give me several hugs. i willingly obliged. as his turn to enter the room approached, i told him to get his lunch box out of his backpack and get it ready to put on the shelf when he enters the room.

"i want a hot lunch, mom"

"i know you do zach, but we'll have to start that next week. okay?"

"fine."

"good morning zachary!" his teacher called out. he gave her a big smile. good sign. "take your red folder out of your bag and place it in this box. that's our first step every morning."

he took off his backpack and dumped it on the floor.

"pick up your bag and take out the folder and place it in this box." there were people behind us in line, so i picked up his bag and opened it. "take out your folder and put it in the box zach"

as he pulled the folder from the bag, the corner of it nicked his eye. he looked up at me wide eyed and then crocodile tears came pouring down his cheeks.

i kneeled down beside him, and we moved out of the way for the other kids to enter the room. the tears continued to pour as he wiped them away and tried to put on a brave face. "i'm so sorry that happened baby" i kept saying as i helped wipe away his tears. no words, just tears. "are you gonna be alright?" i asked. he nodded in assurance and his teacher gently held him by the arm, urging him into the room.

he turned to face her, but pulled away. she reached for his hand and tugged a little again. he planted his feet, firmly stiffened up and pulled back. it was clear he had no intention of entering the room. neither of them relented. she pulled and he pulled harder. i watched this tug-of-war for a few seconds trying to figure out what i was going to do. i'm lucky in a sense, that it's not often that zach throws such a tantrum. but when he does, he is relentlessly stubborn about it.

so i resorted to bribery.

"do you want to go to the pool tonight?" i whispered in his ear.

he looked at me, reading my face. i could tell the thought appealed to him. his teacher walked away, giving us time to sort this out.

"if you will go into the classroom right now and get a smiley face for the day we will go to the pool tonight."

"okay" he said. he slowly walked in and placed his lunchbox on the shelf. his teacher smiled at him, and he returned it with a sheepish smile also. i could tell he was a little embarrassed.

the principal was making announcements as i walked out of the building. "welcome students to your second day of school! don't worry kinders, you'll get the hang of it soon."

that made me feel better. so now, as i promised, we're off to the pool. round three tomorrow.

first day of school...first day of school...!

zach wasn't quite as excited as little nemo was to go to school. although, he was pretty pumped about getting to use his new spiderman lunchbox. in fact, that seemed to be the only thing that brought a big smile to his face whenever we discussed school.



it's been hard to read if he has been anxious or excited about starting kindergarten. from what i can tell, it hasn't seemed to phase him much. he's pretty good about just going with the flow of things... and i think he's just taking every new adventure in stride.



even though he went to bed early last night, i couldn't get him out of bed this morning. i had to lift him up and set him on the sofa... still half asleep. finally, he got dressed but was still grumpy enough to throw off his shoes and socks three times before finally allowing me to secure them to his feet. he went to bed earlier tonight, so we'll see how it goes in the morning. he hates wearing shoes, so i may have to deal with that for a while.



i was so preoccupied in making sure that he had his nap blanket, water bottle, two healthy snacks, packed lunch, and change of clothes that i totally forgot to grab my camera. luckily for me, his teacher is AWESOME and she emailed the parents a power point first day slide show!!



zach knew the way to his classroom, because we were up there last week for supply drop off night. after observing his teacher that evening he informed me that he already "had the hang" of her. :)



i let him lead the way to class, and when we got there, one of his classmates was red faced and crying. i hadn't prepared myself for crying. it took me by surprise, then zach looked at me and said "what's his problem?" as i was explaining, his teacher came over and said



"hi zach, let me show you to your seat!"



to which he replied "i already know where it is." and headed that direction.



"can i get a hug and a kiss?" i asked. he half-heartedly complied and gave me a quick hug and kiss then bounced off to his seat.



"bye zach" i called to him as i was walking out the door. he didn't even look my direction, already coloring the picture in front of him.



okay then. and i left.



when i picked him up, of course he didn't have much to say about his day.



"it was fun." was all i could get out of him. okay, fine. that's good enough for me.



he couldn't remember, or didn't want to talk about anything they did. but he did oblige me when i asked what his very favorite part of the day was.



"nap time."



"really?"



"yeah."



"what was fun about nap time?"



"it wasn't fun, it was funny."



"it was?"



"yeah, someone tooted and we couldn't stop laughing."



"nice."



then he proceeded to laugh the rest of the way home.

note to self...

this evening as zach and i were on our way home from an unproductive hunt for manila paper, he struck up a conversation about shooting stars. it amazes me how much he knows about stuff we've never talked about before.

the conversation took us through all the various aspects of shooting stars, from making wishes, to what stars are really made of. it didn't seem to bother him too much that any wish he made most likely would not come true... he was more interested in the anatomy of outer space. i'm no astronomer, but i did my best to answer what i could.

after the several moments of silence he took to ponder this new information... the conversation ended like this:

"mom, you need to make sure to remember to look out for shooting stars when we are in outer space."

"yep, that seems like a good thing to remember."

"i don't want us to get hit with a big ball of fire mom. will you remember to look out for shooting stars when we are in outer space."

"i'll do my best, zach."

"mom, i think you need to write it down when we get home."

"okay, will do."

oh no... there's a name for what i am

okay, yeah.... so i'm a twi-mom.

i'm not ashamed. or, maybe i am just a little.

needing something to get me through the three hour flight home, i picked up the first twilight novel in the albuquerque airport.

i had seen movie, and enjoyed it. though the novel was very similar to the movie... i found it much more intriguing. so, i picked up the second novel in the austin airport.

i read it that evening... unable to put it down.

it's not the norm for me to stay up past 10 pm at the latest. however, i couldn't go to sleep. i couldn't believe it when the clock read 5 am, as i finished 'new moon', and turned out the light. i fell in love with the characters.

it's written in first person narrative, so i believe that is why, as a reader, i was able to relate to the main character, bella. i'm not sure though, if i were a teen, i would have been able to feel what i felt while reading it.

maybe teens now-a-days are ready for this. but i would not have been.

besides the fun and mystical aspect of the supernatural... the romance is beyond anything i've ever read. yes, austenites.... even jane wasn't able to provoke the same raw gut wrenching emotions.

the next day i purchased the the final two books and had completed the entire saga by the end of the week. the second and fourth book are my favorites.

book one - twilight - is a prelude... getting to know the characters and relationship development

book two - new moon - is beyond words.... a heart breaking tear jerker

book three - eclipse - is more plot development

and book four - breaking dawn - is the ultimate ending. i cried tears of joy. okay, i sobbed. jerking.. violent... sobs.

really, i did.

don't shake your head at me... you don't know.

so. needless to say i am quite impressed with the author and wait in anxious anticipation with all the tweens for the release of the movie sequel.

if you can't wait either... you can enter to win premiere tickets here:
http://apps.facebook.com/twilightprizes/?refuid=585350339

it's been a while...

i haven't had much spare time... so blogging has taken the back burner. although, this evening something happened that i wanted to share.

i took z to the doctor today... again. he has an ear infection...again, and he tested positive for strep throat. luckily, he's not feeling too bad.

on the way to the pharmacy to pick up his medicine, we passed a transient. z has a thing he likes to do to people on the street... and we both get a kick out of it. he likes to roll the window down and yell questions... or a simple "hi" to the people. i enjoy seeing how they respond, z just enjoys getting to yell out the window.

so he asked me to roll down the window so he could yell at the transient. i said, "no, he looks sad. i don't think he will think it is funny."

"he does look sad. what does his sign say."

i read it, it wasn't a clever one, it just simply said "trying to survive."

boy did that hit home. i feel the same way, a lot. and yet, i have a house and a bed to sleep in at night.

zach wanted to know what that meant, so i explained that some people don't have homes, or food, or money.

"can we give them our money mommy?"

"i don't have any money, zach."

"just enough money to buy my medicine?"

"yep, that's about all i have."

"can we give it to him anyway?"

my eyes teared up, and i was so proud.

"you need your medicine zach, i'll see what i may have to give to the man as we drive back by."

he was thrilled, and squealed with delight. he asked dozens more questions as we made our way through the store and back to the car. he couldn't wait to help the man.

"i hope he won't be sad anymore." he kept saying.

by the time we made it back, he was gone.

"i bet he's over in those trees going peep and poop."

we made a loop around the block once to see if we could find him. we were both so disappointed. but, zach put the dollar in his door, ready to give to him, next time he saw him.

i've never given this much thought to the life of a transient. in fact, i try to avoid thinking about it. although doing so tonight kinda made my problems seem just a little more bearable.

ahhhh... now i remember

i had forgotten why i never watch tv anymore.

feeling a bit out of touch, i tuned in to american idol last night.

at first, i thought something was wrong with my television speakers... but the judges confirmed it was the contestants and not my tv. the first three were beyond painful to watch.

i turned off the tv, but after a few minutes couldn't withstand my curiosity and turned it back on.... i had to see if they were ALL going to be as terrible.

i should have left it off.

THAT GUY! what is up with that weird-o guy? i felt like i was lost in the twilight zone... or possibly had tuned into a mad tv spoof of a.i.... unfortunately it was legit, and i needed a shower after his act, i was all kinds of creeped out.



the red-head was good. really good. and the last guy, decent but but it was too little to late for me. i'm off tv again. i'm stickin' to my weekend viewing of dvr'd bones episodes.

on the plus side, i got to see the following commercial, which in my opinion was the best thing on tv last night. z and i rewound it and watched it about five times. it just doesn't get old.

running on empty...

i am exhausted!

time keeps slipping away from me. i have made a recent effort to stop myself from thinking about what's next, and try to focus on what is happening now, because i'm missing it. missing the present by worrying about the future.

it's hard to do, but i've been able to clear my head and focus on what is currently going on a couple of times, and i like it. it's nice.

so... i thought of a blog post, but i couldn't get the pics done.

it was about valentine gifts, and how my son brought enough home to fill a trash bag, and over half of them were homemade. yup - homemade! amazing. one was a hand-stitched finger puppet, a robot and the card was also hand made and it said "your megabites of fun" it was really cute. seriously though, who has the time? i thought i was doing great by attaching a box of conversation hearts to the store-bought valentine cards we signed on our way out the door.

oh well. i'm over it.

z's 5th birthday party is tomorrow, and we are psyched! promises to be lots of fun! i'll be back with details, and hopefully pics. we shall see.

well, time to go focus on the now. :)

what's your take?

i think he's acting the part of a weirdo...

song of the moment

i thought of my friend kristen when i heard this song today... thought i'd dedicate this to you k...



... and to all the moms out there as well.

thanks to my sister, i had the privilege of hearing this performed live. i cried then and every time i've heard it since.