All At Once

Here we are in the third week of school... 5th grade! I know I say it all the time but it really is hard to believe how fast the time flies and how all of a sudden here we are.


The first two weeks were great, or so I thought. Apparently Zach has been suppressing some anxiety that all came pouring out this week. Monday morning he just couldn't make himself walk out the door. I had no idea he was having such a hard time. Every day he's been telling me that he's had a good day. And, the problem is not school, but that same old fear of separation that's been bothering him since the incident with his dad 14 months ago. He just can't seem to conquer it. He knows that the fear is irrational, but that doesn't stop making it very real to him. He's tried using the techniques he learned in counseling, but they're not working for him. So Monday, I gave in and let him stay home. I know now that this probably wasn't the best idea. But when my son who never cries and hates to show emotion is bawling and begging me not to make him go because he's terrified something is going to happen and he'll never see me again ... something inside me just said give it time. So, I told him he had one day. I reminded him about what all he would be missing and he had to spend the day reading, and spelling, and solving math equations. And, by the end of the day he said he wished he had gone to school because now, he's going to have make up work.


So, Tuesday morning arrives and I thought we were prepared but .... the same thing happened. This time I took him to school and walked him in but still, he couldn't go. Tears streaming. Thankfully the school counselor was able to talk him through it and even gave him a counting technique to help take his mind off the fear. When I picked him up, he said he felt much better, that the counting technique was working great for him, and he even apologized for being a "baby". :( I assured him he was not a baby, but very brave for facing his fears and that it is okay to have big emotions and how proud I am of him for learning how to deal with those emotions.


Morning three ... and same thing. This time I gave him a pep talk, reassured him that he is safe and nothing bad is going to happen, then told him I would be dropping him off, not walking him up. I think if he's forced to go he may not feel the need to hold on. I keep praying this was the right decision, because letting my son out of the car with big red eyes while holding back tears, and then driving away was probably one of the toughest things I've ever had to do. But it's done and I am praying he has a good day. And there are people at the school who are keeping and eye on him. As much as I wand to cradle him, I know that is enabling his fear to win, and I want him to fight. I've been informed that he randomly cries throughout the day. Not a big showy cry, because that's not how he does things. Just a stray tear every now and then. And this has nothing to do with school, he likes the teachers and kids, and he has told me about several classes and lessons that he has enjoyed. These are tears of fear that he's not going to see his mom again. And it breaks my heart.


So, what do I do. The only thing I can do, trust in my savior. This has always been difficult for me, but I think I'm at the point where I've realized there's nothing more I can do. I've always been able to manage things. But when things become unmanageable all you can do is pray and trust.


Zach's fear, I can't manage. So I equip him with tools, and teach him to pray and trust. And I pray, and trust.


Income, I can't manage. Every time I save money for dental expenses that I so desperately need taken care of ... another more urgent need pops up. Like ... we had to move. And then Zach's dad goes officially off the deep end and I lose child support and insurance for Zach. Then, I find out I'm in need of new tires because mine apparently won't last another month. But it doesn't stop there, days later we're in a car accident where we are hit from behind while stopped at a red light. Stressful, but didn't seem to be that big of a deal, until I realized I've got a pinched nerve because the skin on my left leg feels like it's on fire all the time. I've decide to do some stretches to alleviate that on my own ... which I hope works because it turns out the other driver's insurance lapsed and they're not paying for anything. And now, that I've been running fever for several days, I've scheduled an appointment with my doctor with no real plan of how I'm going to pay for it, just figuring it out as I go along because this, I can't manage. I could probably manage one urgent need at a time. But  loss of support, tires, teeth, back, illness, and a child with anxiety ridden fears in need of therapy all at once and ... I am officially overwhelmed.


So, I pray and trust and take it one day at a time. And remind myself as I remind Zach that worry is not a useful tool. But prayer is.