All At Once

Here we are in the third week of school... 5th grade! I know I say it all the time but it really is hard to believe how fast the time flies and how all of a sudden here we are.


The first two weeks were great, or so I thought. Apparently Zach has been suppressing some anxiety that all came pouring out this week. Monday morning he just couldn't make himself walk out the door. I had no idea he was having such a hard time. Every day he's been telling me that he's had a good day. And, the problem is not school, but that same old fear of separation that's been bothering him since the incident with his dad 14 months ago. He just can't seem to conquer it. He knows that the fear is irrational, but that doesn't stop making it very real to him. He's tried using the techniques he learned in counseling, but they're not working for him. So Monday, I gave in and let him stay home. I know now that this probably wasn't the best idea. But when my son who never cries and hates to show emotion is bawling and begging me not to make him go because he's terrified something is going to happen and he'll never see me again ... something inside me just said give it time. So, I told him he had one day. I reminded him about what all he would be missing and he had to spend the day reading, and spelling, and solving math equations. And, by the end of the day he said he wished he had gone to school because now, he's going to have make up work.


So, Tuesday morning arrives and I thought we were prepared but .... the same thing happened. This time I took him to school and walked him in but still, he couldn't go. Tears streaming. Thankfully the school counselor was able to talk him through it and even gave him a counting technique to help take his mind off the fear. When I picked him up, he said he felt much better, that the counting technique was working great for him, and he even apologized for being a "baby". :( I assured him he was not a baby, but very brave for facing his fears and that it is okay to have big emotions and how proud I am of him for learning how to deal with those emotions.


Morning three ... and same thing. This time I gave him a pep talk, reassured him that he is safe and nothing bad is going to happen, then told him I would be dropping him off, not walking him up. I think if he's forced to go he may not feel the need to hold on. I keep praying this was the right decision, because letting my son out of the car with big red eyes while holding back tears, and then driving away was probably one of the toughest things I've ever had to do. But it's done and I am praying he has a good day. And there are people at the school who are keeping and eye on him. As much as I wand to cradle him, I know that is enabling his fear to win, and I want him to fight. I've been informed that he randomly cries throughout the day. Not a big showy cry, because that's not how he does things. Just a stray tear every now and then. And this has nothing to do with school, he likes the teachers and kids, and he has told me about several classes and lessons that he has enjoyed. These are tears of fear that he's not going to see his mom again. And it breaks my heart.


So, what do I do. The only thing I can do, trust in my savior. This has always been difficult for me, but I think I'm at the point where I've realized there's nothing more I can do. I've always been able to manage things. But when things become unmanageable all you can do is pray and trust.


Zach's fear, I can't manage. So I equip him with tools, and teach him to pray and trust. And I pray, and trust.


Income, I can't manage. Every time I save money for dental expenses that I so desperately need taken care of ... another more urgent need pops up. Like ... we had to move. And then Zach's dad goes officially off the deep end and I lose child support and insurance for Zach. Then, I find out I'm in need of new tires because mine apparently won't last another month. But it doesn't stop there, days later we're in a car accident where we are hit from behind while stopped at a red light. Stressful, but didn't seem to be that big of a deal, until I realized I've got a pinched nerve because the skin on my left leg feels like it's on fire all the time. I've decide to do some stretches to alleviate that on my own ... which I hope works because it turns out the other driver's insurance lapsed and they're not paying for anything. And now, that I've been running fever for several days, I've scheduled an appointment with my doctor with no real plan of how I'm going to pay for it, just figuring it out as I go along because this, I can't manage. I could probably manage one urgent need at a time. But  loss of support, tires, teeth, back, illness, and a child with anxiety ridden fears in need of therapy all at once and ... I am officially overwhelmed.


So, I pray and trust and take it one day at a time. And remind myself as I remind Zach that worry is not a useful tool. But prayer is.

Weekend Wrap-up

What a productive weekend! I've been a little overwhelmed this week due to the fact that Zach has been in football camp all week. It's not a day camp, it's from 6-8 pm, and most of the parents stay so, of course I did that too. My work schedule has been off the charts busy this entire year, so I'm not used to being finished by 6pm, which made the week seem even more rushed.


This weekend I had a huge amount on my list to accomplish, and managed to get it all done!


Football practice was from 9-12 Saturday morning. From there a trip to Sprouts for groceries and vitamins. Then to the dreaded Wal-Mart for soap and paper goods, etc. Came home, mowed, fertilized, and watered the lawn ... and taught Z how to mow the lawn! :)


Cleaned out the garage, moving storage items to the back shed. There still is an extensive amount of work to be done in the garage, unpacking boxes and posting items for sale on craigslist ... but that can wait until next weekend.


Sunday morning we went to church and I sat next to my niece, Grace. I don't know how or when it happened, but she has developed into such a beautiful young lady whom I admire so much. I've always adored her, since the day she was born she has always been very precious to me. And now, all of a sudden I see this young woman standing next to me worshiping Jesus with all her heart and it made me weep. Then she joined Zach and I for lunch and we listened as she told me all about the mission trip she just returned from. About the people she served and grew to care for, and I saw such a beautiful heart. Then she asked about Zach about football and encouraged him. This little girl who I thought I couldn't possibly love any more than I already did made my heart swell. I didn't want to drop her off, but knew she needed to get home.


After lunch, Zach and I worked on emptying the last boxes from our move and cleaned the house. We are all ready, set, go for a busy, busy week ahead. Zach will continue to have practice three weeknights and Saturday mornings. He is enjoying football so much and has surprised me with his athletic ability. His strong area is running, he's incredibly fast. This week they will be working on finding out what position the boys will play. I'm going to have to have to study up on football, I found out today at lunch that Grace knows more about football than I ever cared to.


I am loving our new church! The message this morning is exactly what I needed, in fact this entire sermon series has been life changing. Between that and watching "The Bible" series with Zach I'm feeling content and fulfilled in a way that only comes from Jesus.

New Chapter

We recently moved, two weekends ago in fact, and are just getting settled into a new chapter of life, so I've decided now would be a good time to pick back up the blogging stick.




Zach completed his fourth grade year last month and has been doing great. He is on the Feingold diet, with occasional veering from the plan. He has become very good about making those decisions himself. He knows what makes him sick and usually  makes good choices. His school work has improved, and last year was his first and only successful year off a behavior plan. The key is to get a tolerant and understanding teacher who preferably is educated in the field of special needs. He's been blessed to have two such teachers. Communication is key and fortunately Zach communicates with me. He is not always forthcoming, and occasional I may have to coax a little, but it eventually comes out. The most important things I work on are building a trust and open communication bond, and spending quality time with him. Those seem to be the two key practices I can do to keep him on track. Even with all the struggles with his dad, and they have been vast, he has maintained a secure sense of self, awareness, and happiness.


I have managed to balance career and motherhood and feel pretty good about where we are. Time is flying by and I keep reminding myself to stop and enjoy certain moments because years pass by in the blink of an eye and all too soon I know this phase of life will be gone.